I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
