he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
