Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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