i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
