i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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