We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I looked at my own cervix.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
