you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
