I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
