My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
