I'm going to jail i love you
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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