i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
