your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
