On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
