Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
