If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I've blown a few things in my day
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
