why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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