Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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