so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
