if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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