I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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