Why does Corona taste like a burp?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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