if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
