You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
