My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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