this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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