I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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