I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
