Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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