I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
