I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize