I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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