you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
