You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
