If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
