So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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