I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
