I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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