Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
BRING THE BAGELS
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
