oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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