dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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