You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
