Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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