when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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