listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
