In the future we'll all be gay
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
