Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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