We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
