if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
