So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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