I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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