You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
