I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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