just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
