I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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