Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I pour the whiskey from now on
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
