I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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