idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
