He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
