I faked an abortion last night.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
